Loneliness isn’t an uncommon problem, and yet it’s something that most of us are hesitant to admit to. It makes us feel defective somehow. But you shouldn’t feel ashamed if you’re lonely. Humans are social creatures who thrive in company. We’re not meant to be isolated. Having friends makes us happier and healthier. Our emotional and even our physical health depend on our social connectedness.
Sometimes, loneliness is a result of external circumstances: you’ve moved to a new area, for example, so you’re building a social life from scratch. In such cases, there are lots of things you can do to meet new people and turn acquaintances into friends.
When it comes to shyness and social awkwardness, the things we tell ourselves make a huge difference. Here are some common thinking patterns that undermine confidence and fuel social insecurity:
1.Believing that you’re boring, unlikeable, or weird.
2.Believing that other people are evaluating and judging you in social situations.
3.Believing that you’ll be rejected and criticized if you make a social mistake.
4.Believing that being rejected or socially embarrassed would be awful and devastating.
5.Believing that what others think about you defines who you are.
If you believe these things, of course social situations are terrifying! But the truth isn’t quite so black-and-white.
People aren’t thinking about you—at least not to the degree that you think. Most people are caught up in their own lives and concerns. Just like you’re thinking about yourself and your own social concerns, other people are thinking about themselves. They’re not spending their free time judging you. So stop wasting time worrying about what others think of you.
People are much more tolerant than you think. So what about the embarrassment in the moment when you say or do the wrong thing? In your mind, the very idea is horrifying. You’re sure that everyone will whisper about it and judge you. But in reality, it’s very unlikely that people are going to make a big deal over a social faux pas. Most people will just ignore it and move on. When you realize that social mistakes don’t have to be devastating, it’s a lot easier to put yourself out there.
Learning to accept yourself
When you start realizing that people are NOT scrutinizing and judging your every word and deed, you’ll automatically feel less nervous socially. But that still leaves the way you feel about yourself. All too often, we’re our own worst critics. We’re hard on ourselves in a way we’d never be to strangers—let alone the people we care about.
Changing your self-image for the better isn’t something you can do overnight. Learning to accept yourself requires changing your thinking.
You don’t have to be perfect to be liked. In fact, our imperfections and quirks can be endearing. Even our weaknesses can bring us closer to others. When someone is honest and open about their vulnerabilities, it’s a bonding experience. If you can accept your awkwardness or imperfections, you’ll likely find that others will, too. They may even like you better for it!
It’s okay to make mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes. It’s part of being human. So give yourself a break when you mess up. It doesn’t mean you’re useless. Your value doesn’t come from being perfect. If you find self-compassion difficult, try to look at your own mistakes as you would those of a friend. What would you tell your friend? Now follow your own advice.
Your negative self-evaluations don’t necessarily reflect reality. In fact, they probably don’t, especially if you
1) call yourself names, such as “pathetic,” “worthless,” “stupid,” etc.,
2) beat yourself up with all the things you “should” or “shouldn’t” have done, or
3) make sweeping generalizations based on a specific event.
For example, if something didn’t go as planned, you tell yourself that you’ll never get things right, you’re a failure, or you always screw up.
When you catch yourself thinking such distorted thoughts, it’s important to pause and consciously challenge them. Pretend you’re an impartial third-party observer, then ask yourself if there are other ways of viewing the situation.
How to face your biggest social fears
Some social fears are fairly minor, and you can get used to them pretty quickly. But for more intense social fears, you’ll need a more detailed—and gradual—plan of attack. When it comes to the things that really scare us, you don’t want to just jump right in before you’re ready. That’s like diving into the deep end before you’ve learned to dog paddle.
What you want to do is face your fears in a gradual yet systematic way, starting with situations that are slightly stressful and building up to more anxiety-provoking situations. Think of it as a stepladder, with each rung a little more stressful than the last. Don’t move on to the next step until you’ve had a positive experience with the step before. For example, if talking to new people at parties makes you extremely anxious, here is a stepladder you could use:
- Go to a party and smile at a few people.
- Go to a party and ask a simple question (e.g. “Do you know what time it is?”). Once they’ve answered, politely thank them and then excuse yourself. They key is to make the interaction short and sweet.
- Ask a friend to introduce you to someone at the party and help facilitate a short conversation.
- Pick someone at the party who seems friendly and approachable. Introduce yourself.
- Identify a non-intimidating group of people at the party and approach them. You don’t need to make a big entrance. Just join the group and listen to the conversation. Make a comment or two if you’d like, but don’t put too much pressure on yourself.
- Join another friendly, approachable group. This time, try to participate a bit more in the conversation.
No comments:
Post a Comment