1. Prioritize your relationship.
Over time, you begin to take one another for granted. You get busy and distracted with your own stuff and neglect to tune in to the needs and desires of your partner. You view the relationship as a given, something that's just a by product of your connection to this other person.
But the relationship is an entity on its own. There's you. There's your partner. And there's the relationship.
Of these three, the relationship should be in first place. In fact, it should be in first place over everything else in your life, including your children, work, hobbies, or extended family.
So the goal here must be a mutual one. You both must embrace the relationship as the centerpiece of your life. How do you do that? It's a commitment you have to reinforce every single day in all of your decisions and actions.
It requires constant recalibration based on the needs of each partner and what is going on in your lives. Take a moment every day to ask yourself and each other, “Are we putting our relationship first today? What do we need to do today to nurture it?”
2.Create a couple bubble.
A couple bubble reinforces the goal of prioritizing your relationship by thinking in terms of “we” rather than “me.” This is hard for most couples because it requires viewing yourself as part of a team first, above your independent needs and habits.
But rather than this inter-dependence weakening you, it strengthens you because each person feels safe and cherished. You know you have each other's backs, and you create a space of reassurance and protection that keeps the relationship healthy and strong.
Creating a couple bubble is a goal that requires some time and dedication, but the payoff is enormous, as you are building a protective sphere around your relationship.
3.Have daily connection time.
An important daily goal for your relationship is spending one-on-one time together to reconnect.
If one or both of you works outside of the home, it's especially important to carve out this time without distractions or interruptions (from children or otherwise). Try to do this both in the morning before the work day begins and in the evening before you are pulled away to chores and responsibilities.
The most important element of this connection time is that you are fully present for each other. This means you aren't looking at your phone, doing a task, or watching television. You are fully focused on each other.
This is not the time to work through conflict or discuss the relationship. It is a time for talking, sharing, embracing, and simply enjoying each other's company. Look in each other's eyes. Hold hands. Listen attentively as the other is talking.
In the morning, you might share some time talking in bed before you get up or over a cup of coffee. In the evening, you might take a walk together or send the kids outside to play while you sit and catch up on your day.
This connection time doesn't need to be hours long. Even fifteen or twenty minutes is enough to reinforce how much you care about each other and the health of the relationship.
4.Communicate with kindness.
Have you ever noticed how couples can speak to each other with such cruelty and unkindness? They say things to each other that they'd never dream of saying to a casual acquaintance or even someone they don't like.
When we feel hurt, angry, or frustrated, it's so easy to lash out and say hurtful things. Sometimes we employ passive-aggressive words and behaviors, using subtle digs, manipulation, or stonewalling to express how we feel.
Both overt and covert words and behaviors like these are deeply wounding, and over time they accumulate enough to cause serious problems in a relationship. You lose trust, mutual respect, and eventually love.
Make it a goal in your relationship to be kind in all of your communication. Being kind doesn't mean you have to agree with each other or even feel loving during a challenging moment.
It does mean you agree to avoid attacking, insulting, or intentionally wounding each other. It means you speak forthrightly without using passive or manipulative behaviors.
It means you step away or count to ten when you feel like lashing out, knowing that you don't want to say or do something you'll later regret.
We are all human, and of course there will be times you fall short of your kindness goal. But make it a goal to apologize quickly, offer forgiveness quickly, and reset your kindness goal as soon as possible.
5. Embrace vulnerability.
Each partner enters a relationship with past baggage, insecurities, feelings of shame or guilt, and tenuous hopes and dreams. We have vulnerabilities that we want to hide from others so they don't think less of us.
As trust and intimacy grows within a relationship, you share some of your vulnerabilities and inner pain with your partner. You expose your soft underbelly in hopes of finding a place of safety and security where you can be yourself completely.
Nothing is more wounding to a relationship than having your vulnerabilities disparaged, disregarded, or worse, thrown back in your face in order to make you feel bad about yourself.
The ability to safely be vulnerable with one another can strengthen the bond between you and foster a deeper love and intimacy than you thought possible.
When your partner embraces your vulnerabilities and treats them with dignity, it can heal wounds from the past and make you feel more confident in who you are.
Make it a goal to be completely open, vulnerable, and real with each other. But more importantly, make it a goal to always treat one another's vulnerabilities with tender loving care.
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